Sunday, October 21, 2007

Penal Code is the Guardian of our Morals

Greetings, my sisters and brothers in the arms of linguine... today I seek to enlighten you on why you should campaign for the following mortal offences to be included in the penal code to safeguard our values and adhere to what parents want for their children. If our children don't learn what are the correct values through the government imposing 10-year long prison sentences for these offences, our family values will fall apart!

  1. Staying out late - what parent doesn't worry about their child coming home late? If the child doesn't come home on time, he will get into bad company and stop spending time with his family... the family will be destroyed

  2. Clubbing - we all know it is an absolute vice. Loud music, alchohol and dancing?! His noodly appendages will never permit such an abomination

  3. Getting anything less than an A for a test - if the child doesn't study and get good grades, he will surely fail as a person, and that will mean the decline of our society! Criminalise A B with a 6-month imprisonment, a C with a 1-year imprisonment, and a D with 2-year imprisonment and 4 strokes of cane!

  4. Watching TV while eating dinner - we all know what an abomination TV is, distracting our children from their studies and taking away family time. Not only that, it is a cause of obesity in children. Penalise this with 6 strokes of the cane! Families need to be safe from the evil influences of TV!

  5. Pre-marital hand-holding. One thing leads to the other... from now on, the police should crack down on all the unmarried couples on the street holding hands, in case that leads to them having sex! Needless to say, premarital sex should be punished with the death penalty.

  6. Make-up. Cosmetics are slutty, and we know it. Do not let our women look like prostitutes! Ban their usage with 1 year imprisonment!
Clearly, all of these are things majority of the society disapproves of, and since laws are a reflection of the majority and clearly not meant for anything else, I move that we enter these offences into our penal code today! Keep society safe! Protect family values!

Open Letter to the Prime Minister on the Penal Code Amendment

Salutations Prime Minister of Singapore,

It is rare that a pastafarian addresses the helmsman of a state directly, however the time has come for us to speak, in the name of our great Flying Spaghetti Monster.

We support your decisions about retaining Section 377A, because there is nothing about homosexuals in our Gospels and we cannot decide whether it is right. However, we take big issues with the other proposed amendments.

First of all, Section 377 must be retained, as legalizing carnal intercourse will incur His wrath. He created us to eat pasta, and not each other! Such blasphemy will incite him to condemn Singaporeans to centuries of bland diet without Hokkien mee.

Furthermore, people committing adultery should be stoned to death.

We also ask that the Government declares every Friday to be a religious holiday, and everyone must eat pasta and wear an eye patch on Friday, not forgetting to say "Yar"!

Pastafarians are in fact the majority of this society, despite they tend to be invisible because our Almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster keeps changing censure data to protect His children from harassment from the ISD. Since our Gospels say this is the Truth, we have no qualm about imposing it on the rest of the country.

We pray that his noodly appendages will be with you, and your starchy team. Ramen.